In her debut Edinburgh Fringe show, American comedian Candace Bryan (Chortle Hotshots, Soho Theatre Comedy Plus Lab) shares an hour of stand-up anchored around the incredible story of how, after 30 years of absence, her biological mother slid into her Instagram DMs. We sat down with Candace to talk about her upcoming performance.
Can you summarise your show in two lines?
MILF (Mom I’d Like to Find) is a standup comedy show about growing up with an absent mom and what happened when she suddenly re-entered my life last year. It explores the role of motherhood in shaping who we are, how things that happened to us as children impact our adult relationships, and how healing can look a lot different than we might imagine.
This show starts with something wild – your biological mom messaging you on Instagram. At what point did you know, “Okay, this is going in my stand-up”?
Honestly, immediately. Like most comedians, I almost pathologically use comedy to work through things that happen to me. But I realized how it could work in my comedy when I changed how I was talking about the situation to my friends. Initially, I was saying that my mom “messaged me.” Then once I randomly said she “slid into my DMs,” which got a laugh from a friend, presumably because it’s a phrase we normally use in a dating context. So I’d found a framing to make it funny, and began exploring that more.
Your show is rooted in such a personal, vulnerable story – but also packed with sharp, hilarious observations. How did you find that balance between comedy and catharsis?
It can be difficult to find that balance, because my style of comedy is very joke-driven and I try to have as many punchlines as possible. At the same time, I felt compelled to tell this story that’s a bit serious. Joking around is how I tend to process the challenges of life, but I didn’t want to be ironically detached in the show. I could write jokes about the situation with my mom all day, but it was important to me to try and be emotionally honest and say something meaningful at the same time. Audiences are intelligent and can tell when a comedian is not being authentic, and the best comedy shows are the ones with some depth.
Plus, what I’ve realized is that writing comedy about your life can actually be emotionally clarifying. By discovering what I find funny about this story, I’ve also learned what I don’t find funny and that my reactions reveal a lot about my life philosophy. Laughter can be an emotional touchstone, and thinking about my life through the lens of my stand-up has taught me a lot. I’ve tried to capture that in the show!
You grew up with a single dad in Memphis. What parts of that experience do you think people really connect with when you talk about it on stage?
So I talk about how I was shaped by my dad, in both positive and negative ways. I think a lot of people connect with the comical realization that our best and worst qualities are often bestowed upon us by a parent. Also, a lot of people come from non-traditional family backgrounds, and I think it’s silly to assume that’s a bad thing. Some of the unhappiest people I know come from a hetero-normative-gender-role-abiding-non-divorced households. So many people connect with my attitude that actually, growing up in an alternative way was awesome because it made me who I am.
You question the idea of abandonment being a tragedy – can you talk more about that? What made you start to see it as something potentially freeing?
I know many people who have tumultuous relationships with their family. Over time, I’ve connected the dots and realized that having a parent physically present in your life is not a guarantee of love, happiness, or emotional availability. This has led me to recontextualize the fact that my own mom left when I was a baby. Now I can see that in a way, it’s actually a gift that this person who wasn’t ready to be a mother didn’t stick around and project their regret or anger onto me. And I can apply that same lesson to my current relationships. If someone I’m dating dumps me, for example, it’s not a tragic abandonment. Instead, I am grateful whenever someone who is less than enthusiastic leaves me and makes space for someone who will love me more. (At least, that’s what I tell myself through my tears!)
What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received about doing stand-up – or just surviving adulthood?
It wasn’t direct advice, but my friend asked me a question that transformed how I approach comedy. He said, “Do you want to be liked by everyone, or loved by a few people?” Of course, my genuine answer is “BOTH!!!” But the question helped me realize I’d rather have one person leave each of my gigs obsessed with me—instead of having the whole audience think I’m OK but forgettable. As a result, I’m no longer afraid to talk about certain topics, I worry less about alienating certain people, and I try to make comedy that I genuinely think is funny. And that without a doubt has made me a better artist.
Candace performs at Just the Tonic Nucleus – Sub-Atomic Room July 31 – August 24 (Not 12) @ 3.10pm. Tickets are available here.