Contends with issues that are critical to our time
Swans Are F****** Arseholes at the Canal Cafe Theatre, directed by Freja Gift, begins with a strong opening monologue. The monologue, delivered by playwright Emma Zadow, establishes the fact that swans are, well, arseholes. It also establishes swans as a symbol of the dangers of associating beauty with safety. Protagonist Sarah – written and performed by Zadow – describes the dissonance between the swan’s attractive aesthetic and its violent nature, offering a perfect metaphor for appealing exteriors masking violent interiors.
Unfortunately, the play is not interested in continuing this particular exploration from here. It instead takes an immediate and puzzling turn to focus on the nuances of consent in the digital age. Though there is a swan critically embedded into the story, any symbolism falls apart over the course of the play’s sixty-minute run time. Zadow seems less interested in the allure of beauty than the dangers of deepfake technology. Luckily, the dangers of deepfake technology is a distinctly timely subject. This introductory thematic bait-and-switch, from one interesting topic jarringly into another, is a succinct window into the experience of Swans Are F******* Arseholes – modestly confusing, somewhat unpolished, but ultimately well-performed and conceptually compelling.
The plot of Swans Are F****** Arseholes begins when Sarah, a school receptionist, anonymously receives a pornographic video of herself. Despite her insistence to her partner and the police that the video is fake, its existence threatens to expose real secrets from her past and risks destabilising the life of security she has painstakingly built. In the script, Zadow offers many provocative questions. These questions range from ‘how does a society protect itself from technology that advances faster than the system can guardrail?’ to ‘how is identity constructed? By and for whom?’
The play’s greatest strength, in addition to its topicality, is its talent. All four cast members, most of whom juggle multiple roles, give excellent performances. Zadow is strong as the play’s emotional and narrative center. She is rarely offstage and seamlessly navigates the intense highs and lows of Sarah’s story. Benjamin Sumrie imbues Sarah’s partner with a three-dimensional humanity. Mary Tillett and Michael Bendib provide important support and consistent comic relief. The company does a fantastic job using physicality to embody various characters but has an unfortunately heavy lift. Their job includes holding together the entire narrative thread. Individual performers are solely responsible for establishing time and place. Costumes and props do little to no work cluing the audience into jumps in timeline and character.
The actors make up for the weakness in the script and direction where they can, but despite their best efforts, the show remains somewhat convoluted. The plot and staging can be confusing and clunky at times. Though the play takes risks with tech and video, it occasionally feels that there are more moving parts than necessary, especially given the short run time. Zadow’s script is willing to leave questions unanswered. It does not spoonfeed its audience, which effectively creates intrigue and maintains audience engagement, but occasionally dips into obfuscation at the expense of clarity.
Swans are F****** Arseholes is not a perfect play but is a play that contends with issues that are critical to our time. It provides, in addition to its sly title, something relevant. Zadow’s provocation is at the forefront of a collective cultural reckoning. Artists, like all of us, are grappling with the role of the internet and sex work, AI and OnlyFans. The relationship between technology, sex, safety, and consent are as integral to the story as they are to the present moment. Zadow’s script interrogates bodily autonomy online as well as within relationships. She raises questions about reality, identity, the role of the body in a partnership, what obligations we have to the people around us, and the ways we enable them and ourselves.
Audiences who catch Zadow’s play at The Canal Cafe Theatre are guaranteed to leave with something to think about, even if it’s just, why are swans such arseholes?
Swans are F****** Arseholes is on at The Canal Cafe Theatre through Sunday 22 February, 2026.