We sat down for an exclusive interview with Freddie Haberfellner, writer-performer of multi-award-winning play F*ckboy, which explores gender dysphoria, bodily autonomy and celebrity crushes and is produced by No Tits Theatre.
F*ckboy comes to Camden People’s Theatre, for one night only, on Wednesday 11th March – Tickets here.
The play moves between several versions of Frankie across different moments in their life. What drew you to structuring the story through these parallel selves, and how does that fragmentation reflect the experience of gender dysphoria?
I love this question! From the very first draft, the structure was part of the idea for F*ckboy though, back then, there were only two realities instead of four. At the time, I was coming to terms with being trans and reflecting on my life through this new lens, and I realised how many signs I’d missed along the way. So I wanted to capture this feeling of something being so clear in hindsight, and yet in the moment you had no idea what was going on.
I spent a very long time questioning whether what I was feeling was dysphoria, and even longer before that not knowing what to name that feeling at all, so I think in a way this play was me asking: is anyone else feeling this too and is it dysphoria? (The answer to the second question is a resounding yes.)
I suppose the structure also ties into how dysphoria can make you feel fragmented, in that only part of you is visible, or maybe you’re only visible to certain people. We only catch Frankie one glimpse at a time, and it takes all these different versions of them to form the full picture.
F*ckboy touches on bodily autonomy in a very raw and sometimes darkly humorous way. Why was it important for you to explore these themes through comedy as well as vulnerability?
Honestly, I wasn’t planning on F*ckboy being a comedy at all. Everything I’d written before was very sad and very serious, plus several exes had repeatedly told me that I wasn’t funny (who’s laughing now? xx) so I just didn’t think of myself as that kind of writer. But I’m really glad my exes turned out to be wrong because I genuinely think the play wouldn’t work if there was no humour in it. In a way, the comedy started out as a form of self care; I was spending a lot of time writing and rewriting, dealing with these heavy topics and figuring out how to express the pain I was feeling as I was coming out as trans. By finding the humour and moments of joy I was making this process easier for myself, and hopefully for my audiences too.
It’s been four years since I started writing F*ckboy, the world looks quite different and I now very firmly believe in the power of comedy when tackling serious issues. Of course it’s not always appropriate, but personally I’m very interested in telling trans stories that centre moments of fun, joy and hope. I’m hoping that, in this way, I can help challenge the idea that being trans is a tragedy because, in my experience, it’s the complete opposite.
The piece blends the everyday world of the London Underground with queer club culture and therapy spaces. What does setting the story across these very different environments allow you to explore about identity?
Many of the early conversations Isobel Jacob (our brilliant director) and I had about the play centred around visibility. How those of us who are marginalised in one form or another are hypervisible in some scenarios but completely invisible in others, and how that impacts our life and self image. We also talked about the different roles we might play to navigate these dynamics. Seeing Frankie in different spaces allows us to see how their performance of themselves changes depending on who they think is watching.
As Frankie’s environment changes so does the audience, and so in each place Frankie uses different tactics to win them over – from giving them the cold shoulder to full-blown seduction.
There is a striking and surreal element in the play with Frankie’s imaginary relationship with Andrew Garfield. What role does fantasy play in the story and what does it reveal about desire, escapism and self perception?
Firstly, Andrew Garfield, if you’re reading this, please come watch F*ckboy.
To answer your question, originally Andrew Garfield played a similar role in the play as the humour we talked about earlier; he brought some levity, moments of relief. Plus, through him we get to see a softer side of Frankie because they feel safe for once. Whilst in the other realities Frankie is battling dysphoria, uncertainty and self-loathing, in their fantasy they are loved by the man of their dreams, they are cherished, they are no longer alone.
I think part of Frankie fears that no one will love them if they come out as trans, or that no one will find them attrative. But imaginary Andrew Garfield tells them he loves them just the way they are, and that helps them to face their feelings in reality. As the play goes on, we realise that Andrew Garfield fulfills another function as well – but if you want to find out what that is, you’ll have to come watch the play.
You have taken F*ckboy from early development through festivals such as Edinburgh Fringe and Prague Fringe, and now to Sprint Festival at Camden People’s Theatre. How has the piece evolved along the way?
I have to give a big shoutout to my team here because the play wouldn’t be what it is today without their hard work. When it was just me and my laptop, I did often wonder how on earth this play would ever be staged. But my wonderful director Isobel Jacob made it look easy, and through working with her I discovered many new layers of the play and how it also connects to people who aren’t trans but can relate to Frankie’s experience in other ways. What really brings the show to another level is the music and sound design by Marta Miranda and Gareth Swindall-Parry, as well as the lighting design by Oli Fuller and Rowan West. And shoutout to our incredible producer Ella Bowsher for all her work behind the scenes!
On a personal note, it’s been really special to come back to F*ckboy after starting HRT – first in Prague and now at CPT. Whilst the events of the play aren’t autobiographical, Frankie’s emotional journey definitely is, and so when I was first performing the play I was in a similar place to my character. Now that I’ve been on testosterone for over a year, revisiting F*ckboy feels like giving my younger self a hug, knowing with hindsight that he’s gonna be okay. At one point in the play Frankie wonders if they’ll ever be able to look in the mirror and actually see themselves. When I say this line now, present Freddie gets to quietly tell my past self who wrote this line that, yes, that day will come and it’ll feel really f*cking good. The show has definitely changed and matured alongside me, and I’m really excited to see how it’ll continue to evolve as I become ever manlier and sexier.
No Tits Theatre focuses on amplifying LGBTQ+ stories at a time when queer visibility remains deeply important. What do you hope audiences take away from Frankie’s journey after the performance ends?
Seeing the impact the play has had so far has genuinely been one of the greatest joys of my life, and I want to say thank you to all past audience members who’ve shared their thoughts with me so far.
I started writing this play whilst I was struggling to accept the fact that I’m trans; in a way it’s the play I needed in that moment. So I hope that anyone who is on a similar journey of exploring their gender feels seen by F*ckboy, and that they know they’re not alone in what they’re going through. It’s a really scary time to be trans and there is a lot of horrific public discourse about us, so I think art that truthfully reflects our experience is more important than ever. A lot of cis audience members have shared with me that the play helped them understand dysphoria better, and I hope it continues to do just that.
But most of all, I want my audiences – cis and trans – to leave the theatre feeling hopeful. This might sound very cheesy, but I want them to know that being different doesn’t make them unlovable, and that queerness is beautiful, full of surprises, love and joy. And I hope F*ckboy encourages anyone who hasn’t yet to join the fight for trans rights.